My little one cries out in her sleep, in the early morning. She wakes up with her lip curled down in a pout and tears slipping down her soft cheeks. I comfort her, I tell her, “It’s not real, it’s just a dream and mamas here.”
Sometimes this pain in my heart feels like a dream, like I should be over it by now, but then I wake up and there it is. I get knocked down, discouraged and it takes even longer to get back up. People will poke; when they poke a wound you didn’t know was still festering – blood seeps, pain comes.
I see you there, living in the light of favor and wonder what my story might have looked like had God allowed me to maintain such favor, to not walk this road.
In the next year, I want to stop listening to this song on repeat:
Maybe if I delete it, it will go away, out of my head.
There’s a turning of a year coming and I so desperately desire a turn of heart. There’s a new beginning coming and I want to turn my back on this past and carry forward.
It’s hard to love the people in front of you when the people behind you scattered when it mattered.
It’s hard when you live life side by side, being patient, giving, trying again and again, only to have grace withheld. It hurts.
I know you’re sorry, but that bus that ran right over me? It did some damage.
The thing I’ve learned about people is that they fail you.I fail them. Life in a sinful world doesn’t always turn out pretty. But, you, you never fail. And as the song says,
If I’m out or if I’m in
Cause if I am dismissed
Oh you always take me in
Take me in God. Take me in and shield the pain of what was, the pain of what could have been. Take me in to the next year and close the chapter on all that once was.
Take me in your love and heal me, make me new.