I heard you say it. Your voice trailed off and it was quickly passed over, but I heard it.
I caught your words, softly spoken, your mother’s heart seeping some of its life giving blood. A mother isn’t supposed to think such things, but your quiet confession was like a billboard for all to see. I recognized your words, I felt your bleeding heart. Like reading a book, you recited my own thoughts:
“Sometimes, I want to say, ‘Go ahead and take your life'”
I know, it’s ugly. How does a mother get to the place where she thinks such a thought? How does a child get to the place where the one bore them, in her own body, would have such a dark consideration pass through her mind?
Now you’ve said it, I heard you say it, and I want to tell you:
You’re very brave.
I was afraid to voice it. As if speaking could bring to life. As if the condemnation would be eminent if this awful, nightmare became a reality. Afraid, if I said such a thing, it would give my child license; permission, to do as Satan tempts. A mother’s heart readily accepts guilt for the frailty of her children, readily accepts
the weight of her own frailty.
The dark chaos of a desperate mother’s thoughts: At least the torment would be over. You would be free. I wouldn’t have to worry, I would know you are safe.
The One who speaks and brings life will tell you: you’re contemplating lies. Such hopeless ideas have no place before a holy God. To ponder such things is to belittle the pain of mothers, all over the earth, who weep and mourn over the child they long to hold again. These thoughts spit in the face of a God who gave His Son to set our sons and daughters free.
Don’t take the easy road.
Even in your mind, don’t take the easy road. Certain thoughts ought to be taken captive and this is certainly one of them. But,
should you let it slip by in your mind…
Well, it might be best to just say it. Just have it out. Then, we can look it over together; examine it. We could shine the light of God’s truth on it. I know darkness wells up in the weak moments, that’s why we have sister-friends to hold our hand in the storm. We’ll search the scriptures, we’ll pray, we’ll cry. The God who understands such tears – He’ll get you back to the place where you aren’t despairing of life.
You said it.
I’m glad you did.
Find peace dear mother, find strength, find hope to smile at the future: In Christ.