“He’s old enough now we can count the days we have left with him you know.”
The words just hung there in the air that night as I laid down to sleep.
“1,300 something days, I calculated it, so, what are you going to do tomorrow?”
It was 12am, we were chatting at our big wooden farm table after an evening with friends.
Not too many hours later, my husband and my oldest went for coffee to chat and enjoy life together before he left for a weekend retreat. They talked of fixed incomes, hair cuts and whatever else fathers and sons shoot the breeze about on a Thursday morning.
The next morning, we received word that a dear young friend of ours had passed in the early morning hours.
A blow like that leaves you reeling. A doll, full of wit, love and laughter – gone. The shock was reminiscent of the anguish laden night spent one year ago. The tears flow. It’s hard to be away from family while they’re grieving, while you’re grieving too.
1,330 days until my son turns 18.
I’m not promised tomorrow.
All these days of stopping to look each child in the eye and make sure to hug each one. All of this leaving Facebook for the love of another, only to discover a world of time, a life of wonder in the here and now right before me. All the time spent up on the living side by side with family hasn’t been wasted, they’ve been a grand lesson from my Father. “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” This vapor of a life is meant to be used up, filled up, overflowing with the right amount of intention and abandon before Him.
This summer has been filled with difficulty. There has been much underlying pain and hurt. Many days have been a struggle in relationships that cut to the heart. In the ache I’ve discovered some sweet friends of support, God has been faithful to speak and provide. I’m learning that there isn’t time to lick wounds, there’s a battle to be fought, life to be lived.
As I take up my shield of faith and move forward, I’m trusting Him to shield me in my weaknesses, to heal my hurts. As I number my days, considering that they are but few, I’m trusting in His sovereignty to guide my steps and give me the grace to live well for His glory.
As I consider Raegan welcoming Amanda into heaven and showing her around, I’m quite positive there was much joyous laughter involved. I’m filled with expectant hope as I consider that these two have gone ahead into eternity, days numbered no longer.
Be it a day, a moment, a breath, 1,300 days or thousands upon thousands, I am confident that God will carry us through until that final glorious day when we are joined together with Him. Until then, I intend to be busy in the worship and praise of His name, doing what He called me to do as a freshman in highschool: stashing treasures.
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rustdestroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21, ESV)